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tool definitions

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77viper
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tool definitions

Post: # 1757Post 77viper »

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: Son of a b*tch TOOL

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Chet Olson

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Hippie459MN
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Re: tool definitions

Post: # 1758Post Hippie459MN »

Thanks for the laugh. Sad part is, its 100% true. :D
-Kevin
Project Vulture | Project Vector | Project Vamp | Project Vixen
The Vulture Wish List | Project CobraJet

1977 HydroStream Vulture - Worlds longest ongoing project. :eek:
1982 Hydrostream Vector
1982 Hydrostream Vamp
1973 Hydrostream Vixen
1976 CobraJet Jet Boat - Outboard conversion project
1976 Pontoon - aka The Family Truckster
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tommy
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Re: tool definitions

Post: # 1783Post tommy »

sounds like the hole truth and nuthin but!
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tommy
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Re: tool definitions

Post: # 1784Post tommy »

i did this one the other day in the shop trying to show my helper how to use the milling machine the correct way.lol!!! Image
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king gill
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Re: tool definitions

Post: # 1785Post king gill »

Funny :lol: :lol: :lol: :up:
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billyho
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Re: tool definitions

Post: # 1787Post billyho »

nice dont use a bridgeport to drill it out. it will catch when you break threw the nail and make it worse !! :oops:
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tommy
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Re: tool definitions

Post: # 1796Post tommy »

hey billy, there is nothing to drill out, the whole piece of nail in the back was torn off and flew across the shop. lucky me! lol
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